Morty Saves the Day

A CJCN Purim Shpiel for 2009
Seymour Rossel

Narrator 1: Once upon a time in the Old Old Land of Persia, in the town of Shoeshine, in the shadow of the Mountains of Paperwork, there lived a King whose name sounded like clearing your throat: King Ach-ash-ve-rus. And the King had a wife named "Kaneidle Ta-ra-ra-boom-di-ai Pastrami Salami Vash-ti," but everyone just called her "Vashti." Now the King held a huge feast! All the noblemen were locked in a room, drinking wine and liquor and snacking from sun-up to sun-down for two full weeks! All the noble women asked to be excused and went to the powder room together and stayed there together for two weeks. At the end of the second week, the king sent a message to the ladies' room:

Narrator 2: "Dear Vashti, We have decided to play a game of touch football. Their team is the "tees" and my team is the "skins." Since it is well-known that you have the best arm in the whole kingdom (and the rest of you is not bad, either), I demand you play quarterback for the "skins." You are hereby ordered to appear in nothing but your skin in the next ten minutes.  Signed: Your commander in chief, King Ach-ash-ver-us."

Narrator 1: But Vashti sent a message back saying,

Narrator 2: "Dear Precious Your Majesty, my sweet little poopsie, may your hair grow long and your beard grow straight, and may you be blessed with hundreds of children to fill the hundreds of rooms in your hundreds of palaces. My answer is ‘No way, José.' Signed, Your Queen and Early Women's Rights Activist, Vashti."

Narrator 1: The King was outraged. He sent his men to Queen Vashti's room to pack up her bags and throw her out of the palace forthwith. Ten minutes later, Vashti was just like Women's Rights in Persia -- nothing but a memory. One hour later, the "skins" lost the touch football game.

Narrator 2: Now the King sent a message to every business in the kingdom, saying, "Whoever is the most beautiful woman in Persia will be my new Queen. The beauty contest begins at 7:00 pm." The owner of the local deli, Morty, turned and took a good long look at his niece who was also his head waitress, Esther. Morty said to Esther, "Here's your big break, a gantzeh opportunity!" He took cash from the register and sent her off to a Japanese Day Spa, saying, "Go. Get the Works. Don't come back until you are beautiful."

Narrator 1: At 7 o'clock sharp, Morty led Esther to the palace and entered her in the contest. She was dynamite in the evening gown competition. She was dazzling in the skimpy beach suit competition. She was awesome at touch football! She won the contest hands down. The King came and personally put the crown on her head. Morty said, "Mazal tov! This morning you made sandwiches and tonight you made Queen!"

Narrator 2: Next morning, the King booted up his laptop, opened Quicken, and saw that the kingdom had only 40 more days worth of ready cash. He needed someone tough, someone tight-fisted, someone forceful to raise some money quick! Since he needed a snake, he immediately thought of the toughest, most nitty-gritty ghoul in the whole kingdom -- the sneaky, the underhanded, the serpent-tongued Haman!

Narrator 1: Haman was evil from his heart to his eyebrows! He told the king: "I know how to save Persia. We need to tax!, tax!, tax! On top of that, let's kill all the Jews and take their money."

Narrator 2: The King said, "Listen, Haman. You and I never had this conversation. Don't tell me what you are doing. Don't put any of this in a memo and don't send me any e-mails about it. Just bring me the cash."

Narrator 1: So Haman took his sons to the Deli to plan their evil deed. But the Deli owner, our hero Morty, was busy slicing for other customers. That made Haman very angry. "Doesn't that Jew-guy know who I am?" he asked his sons. "When the time comes, let him be the first Jew hanging on the gallows!"

Narrator 2: Then Haman spread out a calendar, took out a dreidle, and spun the dreidle, saying: "Whatever date the dreidle lands on, that will be the date we murder the Jews." But the dreidle fell off the table. One time. Two times. Three times! Finally Haman had no time left for dreidles. He said to his sons: "I was going to name this day dreidle day (D-Day for short), but now we will just have to cast those lots called Purim!" So they cast the lots and it turned out that Purim would be the 14th day of Adar.

Narrator 1: A Deli-man hears everything. Morty overheard Haman's plot. He thought to himself, "If Haman is allowed to murder all the Jews, my Deli business will tank. I have to do something."

Narrator 2: Right away, he went to Queen Esther's Facebook page and wrote on her wall, saying, "The King still does not know you are a Jew, so you may be safe in the palace, but the rest of us will die. Who knows, maybe you became Queen just for the chance to save your people? It's now or never, baby."

Narrator 1: Then Esther was very much afraid. She said to herself, "Why did my uncle write that on my wall? Why didn't he send me a private message? And why did he write so much? It's a whole megillah already!"

Narrator 2: While Esther was all a-twitter, back in the Deli Morty overheard a plot to kill the King with an exploding cigar. He sent an e-mail to the palace and the plotters were arrested and thrown in prison. All this was written in the King's book, so when the King could not sleep that night, he called for his slippers and his fiddlers three and the big book was opened and read to him. He thought about exploding cigars and was pleased that he had been saved by the man from the Deli. So he sent an e-mail to Haman, saying, "What should we do for a man the King wishes to honor?"

Narrator 1: Haman thought the King wished to honor him, so he wrote back, saying, "Make him a big parade with lots of Disney character balloons and let the people cheer him as he passes." So the King ordered a big parade for Pluto, Mickey, Donald, and Morty; and he told Haman to walk in front to get people to cheer for Morty. Haman was very angry. But he thought, "I will get my revenge soon."

Narrator 2: Poor, poor Haman. Before he could try anything else, he was invited to the Queen's big party. She ordered lots of Deli trays. The King came hungry and Haman came sneering and growling. Then the Queen told the King all the evil that Haman planned against the Jews. She also told the King that she was Jewish, a fact that had escaped everyone's attention because everyone was so busy with all the palace plots.

Narrator 1: Needless to say, the King hanged Haman on his own gallows. Then he called Morty and said, "There's still one problem. Where will I get the money I need to run the kingdom?"

Narrator 2: Morty said, "Don't you worry, your majesty, your loyal Jewish subjects will help. We'll hold a big fundraiser. We'll cut up lots of corned beef, get everyone to fluff it and stuff it, put pickles in little sacks, and sell sandwiches to the whole kingdom. Everyone who eats a corned beef sandwich will be instantly Zionized. You will have a whole kingdom of loyal Jews, and plenty of money to run it."

Narrator 1: The King was so grateful that he ordered a big celebration called Purim. On top of that he decided to make corned beef the official new money for the whole kingdom of Persia. Ever since then the Jews who live in the shadows of the Mountains of Paperwork have celebrated Purim and eaten corned beef sandwiches cut in little triangles in memory of poor Haman who was outwitted and outsmarted and left to rot on the gallows.